Cheap Holiday's are Rubbish

"Holidays from as little as £10" said the advert. Jill Smith looked at it. "It looks rubbish to me. It can't be that good!" she said to her husband Barry. She continued, "Any holiday for £10 can't be all that it is cracked up to be!" 

Barry looked at her and said "It is cheap, we can't afford much this year. We only use it as a base and as it has a bar, for a drink at night!" 

"I suppose so, go ahead and book it!" Jill answered back.

Barry got onto his laptop and went on the broadband service he was using. He found the web site for the advert and found the place he was looking for, found the booking page, saw that the dates they wanted in June was free and duly booked it. Barry downloaded some pictures of the camp and the surrounding area and showed them to Jill. She thought it looked nice.

The weeks dragged past, but eventually they got to the week before the day they were supposed to set off on their cheap holiday. They looked at the site again and agreed it didn't look too bad. As Barry said, they only going to use it as a base for touring. It took the week to prepare the car while Jill made all the arrangements for the papers and milk to be stopped and they asked the neighbours to look after the house and push any mail into the letterbox. It took Jill all week to get all the clothes they were taking with them pressed and ironed and packed at the last minute. Barry put everything in the car and they set off.

Barry was a careful driver and they headed north in a leisurely manner. They had started out at seven on the Sunday morning and arrived at the holiday camp at four in the afternoon. Barry went and checked in. The bar did not seem too bad anyway, That is all he wanted. He was given the key to their room and let themselves in. They looked around. It was reasonably clean at least. Not exactly a five star residence, but it would do to sleep in. It made no difference to them if they were in a tent or a palace. Once your eyes are shut, you don't care what you are in.

They went along for dinner at seven. Everyone was dressed in their finest, but Jill and Barry had not brought anything really decent with them. They were dressed casual. After dinner, they went along to the entertainment hall and sat by the bar in there.

The compere came on and said there was some wonderful entertainment planned for the whole week. He told a few stale jokes that some people half heartedly laughed at out of politeness. He tried to sing a song, but only got the right note now and then. He was more out of tune that an eight cylinder car running on one cylinder. But he introduced the singer. "She has just come back from a tour on the Flying Castle", and told everyone her name. On she came and the audience clapped loudly. Anything to stop the compere from carrying on. She was awful as well. Barry and Jill did not even bother to listen to her. They just carried on drinking and talking amongst themselves. Eventually the girl sang her last song and left. 

The compare came back on the stage and Barry called out, "You say she was on a cruise on the Flying Castle?" "That is right!" said the compare. Barry asked, "What was she, the stoker?" The audience went quiet and the girl started to cry. The compere said that was not nice, but Barry said it was true though and asked where they had found her. The audience burst out laughing and the girl run off of the stage in tears. Barry and Jill got up and went to their room.

The next day they had breakfast and the waiter gave them a frosty look. They said nothing but quickly ate their breakfast and left. As they went to walk out of the dining room another holidaymaker stopped them. "Well done mate. You were spot on with your comments. But you missed the best. It got worse as the evening went on. If this is what the entertainment is going to be like, we are going to give it a miss" he said. Barry replied that probably Jill and he would too.

They got into the car and only drove for ten minutes when Barry stopped. "What's the matter Barry?" Jill asked. "Look at that. A bloody great rubbish tip just down the road from the camp. It didn't say that in the write up!" Barry replied. Jill got out of the car and walked to the edge of the landfill site. The rubbish was piled high in the middle and there was plenty of room at the edges. "They could not even be bothered to level it out. What a council and dump this place is!" Barry said. Jill looked at Barry and laughed. "You are right, what a dump" she said pointing at the rubbish heap.

But they carried on driving and soon forgot about the rubbish tip. Some of the area was nice. They came to a town and parked the car in the car park. Barry went to buy a parking ticket. He came back fuming. Jill looked at him. "Four pounds to park in this hole for two hours. Thieving crooks, that is what they are! Robin Hood is alive and well and living here" Barry stuck the ticket onto the inside of the windscreen and locked the car doors. They went and looked around the town and then went into a pub. Barry had one pint of lager shandy as he was driving. Jill had her usual vodka and tonic.

They drank up and went to go back to the car. They looked around the car park. "That's funny. I thought I left it here!" Barry said. Jill answered "I thought you did, but I could be wrong!" They searched all around the car park and eventually realised their car had been stolen. They called the police who came and took details from them. They were told to go back to the camp and if anything came up, they would be contacted there.

Eventually they got a cab back to the camp. Barry went into the bar "Have a nice day sir?" the barman asked. Barry replied in a manner that showed he was disgusted with the place. "No, we had lousy entertainment last night. We found the rubbish tip down the road this morning and now our car has been stolen!" He ordered the drinks and went and sat down with Jill. The barman came up with the drinks, "Well tonight we have well known hypnotist. Perhaps he will make you forget all your troubles!" he said putting the drinks onto the table. He walked off and Jill said, "I said that this holiday could not be much for the money!" Barry replied "I know love. Wait until we get home!"

They had their dinner, went and got changed afterwards and waited for the entertainment to start. "Perhaps tonight will be better than last night!" Jill said "I bloody well hope so!" Barry said continuing, "If that girl had sung on the Flying Castle it is a wonder the captain didn't sink the ship". Jill laughed. A few people near them heard Barry and they laughed as well. "You ought to go up there mate, you are better entertainment than what we had last night!" the man at the next table said.

The compere came out and saw Barry and Jill. He looked at them with a deep frown. He went through his warm up routine and introduced the comedian who could not even get a joke right. The audience had to keep telling him what happened next. He finished and walked off to no applause. The compere came back on and asked what they thought of the show so far! In the best traditions of Morecambe and Wise, Barry shouted out "Rubbish!"

"Right ladies and Gentlemen. The bit you have been waiting for. Marvello the famous hypnotist!" Marvello walked on in a cape and a turban on. 

"Well known famous hypnotist? Where, in the middle of the Gobi desert?" Barry said loudly everybody around Barry laughed. 

Marvello looked at him and said, "I need a volunteer. What about you sir?" pointing to Barry. Barry declined. 

"What is the matter sir, lost your courage? You have a lot to say for yourself. I tell you what, bring your wife with you" 

Everybody egged Barry on. Jill got up. "It might be a laugh" she said. Barry said "Okay, I will prove that hypnotism does not work!" 

Marvello started with Jill. He told her to count slowly from ten to one backwards. Jill started. Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six. That was a far as she got. Her head slumped forwards. Marvello asked if she was okay and she told him she was. He told her to call him master to which she replied "Yes, oh master!" Everyone gasped. Marvello was good. He told Jill to do a belly dance for one minute precisely and then sit down. Jill started doing the belly dance. Marvello took out a watch and when Jill stopped he told everyone that Jill had danced for exactly one minute. 

Now he turned to Barry. He told Barry to count from ten to one as well. Barry started. Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two and then his head slumped forward. "I thought he was going to beat me for a second there" Marvello said. He told Jill and Barry that they were rubbish and asked if they agreed. They agreed with him. The audience laughed. Barry was asked to impersonate a hen. He went around the stage clucking away and everybody was rolling around with laughter. He asked Jill to try to catch a butterfly. She acted like she had a net and was chasing it around the stage. People were now holding their sides. Barry was asked to catch a whale with a fishing rod. Barry struggled and strained but could not land the whale. 

Marvello told them to stop and sit down. They both went and sat on the stage. "I will give you a command and from now on you must obey!" 

"Yes oh master" Jill replied. The audience cracked up. Marvello went on, "You will clap and appreciate every act you see for the rest of this week. But for the next twenty four hours, you will not be able to say a word. You will be dumb for twenty four hours precisely unless you are applauding the acts you see tonight". He told the audience that they would be okay and that he would put them right at the end of the evening. The audience clapped loudly as Barry and Jill went back to their seats. Barry went to talk but could not, Jill tried, but she was dumb as well. Barry went and got some more drinks. The barman knew what they drank and gave it to them without asking.

The compere came back on and said the singer was coming back. She sang even worse than last night and the audience put their hands over their ears. Each time she finished singing Jill and Barry got up and clapped as loud as they could, and called out for more. Even when she had finished the two of them called for more. At the end of the evening Marvello said he was going to put Jill and Barry right "It is against my profession to leave them" but as he stepped out of his dressing room, a lamp fell on him and knocked him out. The audience went home.

Jill and Barry were worried why they could not talk. But they reached their room and thought they would be all right in the morning. Just before they went to sleep they heard some of the camp workers say, "We had better get rid of those heavy sacks of rubbish out the back. Dump them in the landfill site. We will save money if we do it ourselves. We only get two bin loads a day picked up".

Barry and Jill had both stripped naked by then. But they had been told they were rubbish and stepped outside to look for the big bags of rubbish out the back. They found two empty sacks, put them on the back of the lorry and climbed into them. They held the bags closed over them as they thought they were only rubbish. They tried to resist, but for some reason they had to go along with it. They were rubbish. One of the camp workers saw the sacks untied and got some duct tape and wound it around the tops of the sacks. Fortunately for Jill and Barry the sacks had lots of tiny holes in them. This was enough for them to breath in oxygen and keep them alive.

Barry tried to ask Jill if she was okay, but he could not speak. Jill tried to talk, but she could not speak either. They felt the bags being being pushed forwards towards the front of the lorry. "These two are heavy!" a voice said. But they did not get shoved very far forwards. "Oh well, that will have to do for tonight!" another voice said carrying on, "They should be okay, they will not fall off on the way to the dump!"

The lorry drove to the landfill site where the lorry tipped the rubbish straight onto the pile of rooting rubbish already there. Jill and Barry's bags fell in first. He felt the wind knocked out of him as he hit the pile of rotting rubbish. But he could not utter a sound! Jill came after him and she felt the same sensation, But she was right next to Barry.

Barry snuggled up to Jill. More bags landed on top of them. The bags were heavy, and they stopped Jill and Barry from moving. But the two of them were happy because Marvello had told them they were rubbish. Each bag that fell on them made them more secure which pleased Jill and Barry as they knew in their minds that they were rubbish.

The bags lay there all day. The smell of rotting vegetables and meat filled the air. Flies flew all around. Jill and Barry could hear the rats running over the sacks. The seagulls started swooping down. The council lorries turned up with more sacks of rubbish and threw them on top of Jill and Barry. Plastic bottles below them cracked as their weight was pushed down. The fresh lot of rubbish somehow managed to miss their faces and just pinned their bodies in the position they lay in. They could not move. The sacks behind Barry held him fast and the ones in front of Jill held her too! They were stuck together. The sweat inside the silky smooth plastic bags made them cling to their bodies.

More sacks were dumped on top, But these too missed their faces. Thirty times that day, they felt the weight of more lorry loads of rubbish falling on them. But each time somehow the area in their bags where their heads were was left uncovered. Evening time came and the sun went down casting shadows over the hole. Soon the individual bags could not be seen. The sacks creaked and groaned as the heat left the hole. Plastic bottles made a cracking sound as the weight of the sacks above settled on them. Barry and Jill were pushed harder together. Barry felt Jill wriggling her bum against him. He got an erection. But the night wore on.

At nine thirty precisely, Barry and Jill snapped out of the trance they were in. They tried calling out, but there was no one to hear them. They could not get their hands free to rip their way out of the sacks. Juice from rotting vegetables and salads as well as fruit mingled and ran all down their sacks. They could hear the rats outside the bags. But they could do nothing about it. The pressure from the weight of the rubbish above them. Bits of wood cracked and splintered under the weight of the rubbish. This caused Barry and Jill to drop another two feet. The bags on top of them were now displaced and they toppled over on top of them.

A couple of kids turned up in their car that they had stolen earlier and dumped it on the rubbish tip. It landed on top of Jill and Barry and knocked the wind out of them. They threw a lot more rubbish bags over the car to cover it up. They even climbed on the pile in the middle of the rubbish and pulled it down to completely hide the car.

Ten feet below their car, Barry and Jill waited for the inevitable to happen.

The lorry came back from the holiday camp that night and one of the workers asked "What happened to that loud couple!" Another voice said "Who cares, they were rubbish anyway! It is a good job we got this done tonight as tomorrow the council is going to level it out and cover it up" 

Barry and Jill shouted, but because they could not get much breathe it was not that loud. Their breathing had to be done in shallow breathes only. The sacks around them would not budge to allow them to take deep breathes. The new sacks landed on top of the sacks that had been dumped on them by the council. The weight pushed them down even more. The sacks at the bottom of the pile had started out as full sacks but were now crushed to a six inch thickness.

Slowly they began sinking as the pile settled down once more. All they could hear was the rustling of the sacks and the rats. They were now squeezed together so hard that it would have been impossible for anyone to tell there was more than one sack. They could not move a muscle.

The night crept on. The creaking and groaning of the sacks around them grew louder as the pair of them sank slowly towards the bottom of the rubbish tip. The smell got worse, but they had to take it. They could not even pinch their noses. It got up their noses and into their lungs.

The next day, the council turned up with the bull dozers and started to push the sacks around leveling them off. Somehow Barry and Jill had managed to get pushed into an air pocket and they could hear the bulldozers working on top of them. They were so well cushioned that they never felt the bulldozer as it drove over them. Soon the dirt was pushed on top of the pile of pile of rubbish above them. It was all over for them. They were rubbish. In Barry's hand was an advert "Holidays from as little as £10"

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10.05.06